Muddled Clarity

I did the MS150 this weekend, except it’s 160 here and I decided to do the century the first day.  So 150 became 183 miles in 2 days!!  As painful as it sounds, it was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a loooong time.  The weather was practically perfect (except for that mean headwind we faced on the way back), the farms and countryside were peaceful and serene (even though I know all that corn is Monsanto BT corn), the riders upbeat and encouraging (just don’t ride too close because a lot aren’t that experienced!), and excellent company (I mean excellent!!)

I was supposed to do the ride with the ex, so there was the foreboding feeling of what that would have been like plus the chance of seeing him for the first time since we broke up.  We all know I’m happy and free post-break up and I’ve been learning a lot about myself in the last month, but there is still that weird, nervous energy associated with him that I think will just have to pass with time.  Fortunately I was blessed to have friends in the community that were doing the ride and had a great time both Saturday and Sunday and given the nature of our relationship, I think riding with my friends was exponentially better than the first plan!

Sitting on a bike for 14 hours gives you a lot of time to think.  You aren’t sitting at home looking for something to do or forcing yourself to quiet your mind at the city park or wherever we try to find solitude these days.  You are on a bicycle in the middle of nowhere and all you hear is the hum of your road tires against the pavement and the wind in your helmet.  Even though I rode with friends, I had significant amounts of riding where they were either behind or ahead of me, giving me a chance to clear my brain and see what the world was giving me at the moment.  What I found was peace.

Peace that change is good.  Peace that it’s okay that I have anxiety associated with seeing the ex.  Peace that the time before the change is awkward and frustrating, but it is part of the process and makes the change that much better.  Peace that comes in a hotel bed after riding 101 miles!!!  Peace of the unknown that is ahead of me and the patience to accept its arrival when “it” and I am ready for it.

Saturday I rode fast with a friend, we met briefly a couple weeks prior so I learned more about him and we had a blast climbing the “rolling hills” of central Missouri.  Sunday I rode with a friend and her daughter who are moving to New Zealand this fall.  They are amazing people and I coveted the chance to ride with them for 80 miles.  It was a life-giving moment to chat with her 13 yo, who I could see myself in at that age.  We talked about all sorts of fun topics and I hope that over this weekend she was able to have life-giving moments with me as well.  I also had pockets of time to talk her mom as well.  We bonded over a mission trip to MX a couple years ago and she has a special place in my heart.  When I heard she was doing the bike ride, I was excited to spend vast amounts of time with her, for both her companionship and her wisdom.  With all those endorphins released and fresh air inhaled, I was in a good place to think, listen, and understand what God is possibly doing in my life with guidance from her.

I forgot to check my horoscope last week but I think it fits perfectly with what I learned this weekend:

As I gaze out the window of my home office, I see a vast wetland crossed by a creek that originates in the bay. At high tide, the creek is as wide as a river. At low tide, it’s as narrow as a village street. Sometimes it flows north vigorously, while at other times it surges south with equal force. Now and then it’s perfectly still. Its hues are a constantly mutating blend of grey, green, blue, and brown, and at sundown and sunrise they’re joined by tinges of pink, purple, and orange. As a Cancerian, I find this intimate spectacle to be both comforting and invigorating. It’s a reflection of my own ever-shifting moods, a reminder that I’m a watery creature whose fluidic changeability is natural and healthy. What I wish for you, my fellow Crab, is that in the coming week you will also surround yourself with prompts that help you to be at peace with who you really are.

Indeed!!