“I’m a load of destitute headed on a road to nowhere“

I used to read this blogger who then compiled a book about the blog who then quit blogging.  He was a top chef in a fancy restaurant and wasn’t happy.  He started volunteering at a soup kitchen and ended up quitting his job and working at the soup kitchen full time.  His pen name is rhymes with kerouac.  He wrote beautifully and from his heart.  In a time of madness in my own life, he provided words to what I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  He wrote the quote above that struck me cold.  It was in response to someone asking him about christianity.  RWK didn’t have the answers despite being a Christian (against popular belief that we think we know everything) and was okay letting those around him know this.  The rest of the quote was him talking pretty about Jesus and inviting them to talk to Jesus.  I love that he was able to release himself from the concept that he knew about Jesus and therefore life became simpler.  It doesn’t, it gets harder because your lens of the world suddenly has a depth you will never be equipped to fully see with.

I’m feeling really overwhelmed by life, in all corners and every direction, but this quote gives me a moment of solace, which is more than anything else has given me.  I feel stranded, out of control, and alone.  And I think this is the place where God will move me the most.  I think I can find solace in that, but it’s tough when you are fighting back the tears and sadness that obligingly come with this part of life.

Dear Donald Miller,

First off, I have to say that I never write to famous people.  I go to book readings and don’t wait in line for the autograph, I know I should write my congresswoman but it’s just so easy to hit ’send’ on those generic websites we get these days.  Now I will admit I did attend Imago Dei one time in PDX and maybe I hoped to catch you in the crowd, but it was Sunday and I was in PDX, where else was I supposed to go?

I first found you at Borders bookstore.  I was living in Ames, IA and every once in awhile, I’d spend my Saturday morning embracing the world of books at my fingertips.  I had a ritual—I’d go to the coffee shop, get a latte, grab the weekly circular and sit down to relax.  I should preface this with a simple statement:  I didn’t believe in God.  I knew there was something that made this world tick, but I wasn’t going to align myself with any religion and especially not those Christian nuts that I found myself cursing throughout the years.  In times of questioning, I had checked churches out but always left weirded out by the experience, I just wasn’t one of those people.  So there I sat in Borders, latte in hand when I saw the word “jazz”.  I was a jazz fan by this time, thanks to my brothers (also thank them for my love of microbrews and riding bicycles, all good things).  “Blue Like Jazz”. .fiction.. hmmm, I’m interested. . .”nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality “. . hey wait a minute, that kind of thinking is allowed?  I’d never read a Christian book, never really opened a bible, never entered a religion section of a book store except to buy a book on the tao of inner peace (and who hasn’t?)

So I walked over and found your book and amazingly, the store didn’t catch on fire (a small miracle, more to come, keep reading).  I flipped through, hoping I wouldn’t like it.  Sadly, there were funny cartoons of a rabbit chasing a carrot and every time I stopped to read a paragraph, I found myself saying “yes, exactly”.  I resigned myself to the fact that I was buying a Christian book and found it weird that in 3 weeks I would be in Oregon in vacation.

So there I was, walking around Cape Mears on the coast of OR.  I was with 2 Christians, my close friend and my brother.  I was reading your book, intrigued with every page about the ability to be a Christian and still have a brain, asking my traveling partners questions at every turn.  At one point, I found myself alone and walking through a wooded enclave.  All the sudden, the world hushed and it felt as if the pine trees were cooing me in the wind.  I automatically felt like Lucy in “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” when she enters Narnia the first time, I felt this Presence.  It was undeniable and everything I hoped feeling God would be like.  There are a few times in my past where I cried out to Him in the dark, asking Him to talk to me in my moments of selfish, needy pain, only to hear silence or the neighbor’s barking dog.  But I felt this everywhere:  my soul, my brain, I felt His hand on my shoulder saying “I love you and I’ve been waiting for this moment”.  I walked out of the woods and to the edge of the cliff.  My friend and brother were off to the left, I stood by myself and staring through the tears in my eyes at the crashing waves below awed by the experience.

Fast forward 6 years and you’ll find me writing you in the early morning hours.  I haven’t felt so transformed by a book until now.  My friends and I are reading your latest book “A Thousand Miles in a Million Years” and can I tell you we are transfixed by your words.  Personally I feel like you are writing from my soul.  “Inciting incident” plays over and over in my mind.  We find the main character (me) stuck in a rut that she thought was the way her life was supposed to go.  Decent job that doesn’t sap the life out of her (but doesn’t make her want to get out of bed either), great family and friends, amazing church life, just waiting for Mr. Right to sweep her off her feet.  She has the desire to adapt to him because she is eager for a change and thinks her strong personality is a thing of the past.  But God has a different plan for her.  Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. I’m Showing You What You Really Don’t Want and the break-up becomes her inciting incident.  She is without a paddle going the wrong way.  She soul searches deeper than ever before, opening her heart and mind to anything and everything, feeling God’s presence everywhere she turns and knows this is the blessing of change, however painful and scary it feels.

We haven’t reached the climax yet, there are chapters yet to be written. We are still working on formulation of the character and trying to get the story line straight,  but knowing that she’s going to climb her own Machu Picchu in order to celebrate the beauty of the city.  But she has learned that the 4 day hike is worth a few bumps in the road (vs. the air-conditioned bus ride to the top) and she is blessed to have her community and faith deeply connected and ready at every hesitation and misstep taken.  And a great book or two to keep her inspired along the way. (fyi, I haven’t read Part 4 yet, I’m waiting to read it with the group).

Thank you Donald for the ability to speak beauty into the hardship, life into the pain, and hope into the journey.  May we all desire a great story and seek the hardship for the beauty within.

Peace,

Hopeful in the midst of the blizzard

ps, I’m sad your book tour isn’t stopping in KC. If you did, we could ride bikes, drink beer and talk about dogs and God. And our love for PDX.

I had an epiphany this morning while driving to work.  I was mulling over the past year and thinking about the things that I want to change in my future.  What I realized is that in hindsight of the past 6 months, what I thought I wanted in life was in fact not the path that I should be on.  Maybe I had set lower standards for myself in order to reach the goals, maybe I didn’t take enough time to look farther ahead or at the bigger picture to what my reality should be versus what it could easily be.   Or maybe the goals themselves were wrong and not great enough for who I am supposed to be in life.

I’m reading this book by Parker Palmer titled “Let Your Life Speak:  Listening for the Voice of Vocation” and realizing how often we walk down the road of life with our scope trained on the path directly in front of us and not for the hills, turns, and exit ramps ahead of us (or even the beautiful landscape we are passing!)  Along with the tunnel vision is tunnel hearing, listening to everyone around us and nodding, instead of shutting out the noise and listening to what our soul is telling us to do.

I should preface all my waxing of wisdom to say that last week was a really bad week.  I was tired of wondering, waiting, hurting, anxiety, fear, all those nasty emotions that make you want to drink too much, watch too much tv, or other escapism activity.  But a weekend away in the woods and a fresh outlook on life helped me to see that the growth hurts, waiting is hard, and patience is a virtue.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m not going to inhibit myself anymore by staring at my feet and worrying about the tiny pebble tripping me up when I’ve got boulders to climb.

Oh yeah, and never say “never”!

You know the saying “the grass is always greener on the other side”?  I heard the second part  a couple years ago:  because you are too busy staring at that yard to take care of your own.  I believe that and it seems every time I slip into looking longingly at the other yard, God seems to be showing me the reality of the work involved for that yard to remind me of what I have in my yard is enough for me to take care of right now.

I’m in the midst of a serious growth phase in my life.  Clinging to God, looking for Him everyday, cherishing the lessons I’ve learned in the past month.  Reanalyzing everything I thought was true and realizing the divide between my reality and His reality.  As much as I’ve been reveling in these realizations, I still have those days where I feel un-everything-that-is-good and wish something would work out in my favor and wouldn’t it be nice if I had someone to go home to and thus life would be easier?  It is usually in those places, a friend is placed in my midst telling me the stress they are going through in their marriage.  Even the couples that seem to have everything together, there are those deep, dark, dirty parts of life that tempt even the strongest of bonds. . .and sometimes the bonds do break.  And as a single person, I am left thinking “shit, even that marriage can fail, that is scary”.

I think this balance of haves and have-nots is just part of living in the present.  If we were always happy, we would forget to appreciate it and find fault with the beauty.  When we find ourselves unhappy or frustrated, it makes us take a hard look at our lives to figure out where that source of unhappiness is coming from and what can we do about it, or the quick and dirty truth: growth.  Think back to an unfortunate time in your life and you can see the change and growth you experienced in the aftermath.  How blessed you are to go through that period in order to be who you are today.  If you hadn’t experienced that, then what?  Who would you be?  Could you handle the next trauma that comes along as well as you did if you hadn’t had that life lesson?

Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t supposed to be.  Humans aren’t perfect so there’s no need desiring such a thing.  But we can take what has been placed in our lives and run with it the best we can.  And why not?  What’s the alternative?  Falling deeper into what masks our pain and staying in denial only to find ourselves still in that stage a year later and still in pain?

It’s time to take off the blinders, turn your back on your neighbor’s seemingly green grass and take care of business.  Whether it means reaching out to others to find the community and love you are desiring, retreating within to find who you really are, or changing your life in order to honor the gifts God gave you.

I did the MS150 this weekend, except it’s 160 here and I decided to do the century the first day.  So 150 became 183 miles in 2 days!!  As painful as it sounds, it was one of the best weekends I’ve had in a loooong time.  The weather was practically perfect (except for that mean headwind we faced on the way back), the farms and countryside were peaceful and serene (even though I know all that corn is Monsanto BT corn), the riders upbeat and encouraging (just don’t ride too close because a lot aren’t that experienced!), and excellent company (I mean excellent!!)

I was supposed to do the ride with the ex, so there was the foreboding feeling of what that would have been like plus the chance of seeing him for the first time since we broke up.  We all know I’m happy and free post-break up and I’ve been learning a lot about myself in the last month, but there is still that weird, nervous energy associated with him that I think will just have to pass with time.  Fortunately I was blessed to have friends in the community that were doing the ride and had a great time both Saturday and Sunday and given the nature of our relationship, I think riding with my friends was exponentially better than the first plan!

Sitting on a bike for 14 hours gives you a lot of time to think.  You aren’t sitting at home looking for something to do or forcing yourself to quiet your mind at the city park or wherever we try to find solitude these days.  You are on a bicycle in the middle of nowhere and all you hear is the hum of your road tires against the pavement and the wind in your helmet.  Even though I rode with friends, I had significant amounts of riding where they were either behind or ahead of me, giving me a chance to clear my brain and see what the world was giving me at the moment.  What I found was peace.

Peace that change is good.  Peace that it’s okay that I have anxiety associated with seeing the ex.  Peace that the time before the change is awkward and frustrating, but it is part of the process and makes the change that much better.  Peace that comes in a hotel bed after riding 101 miles!!!  Peace of the unknown that is ahead of me and the patience to accept its arrival when “it” and I am ready for it.

Saturday I rode fast with a friend, we met briefly a couple weeks prior so I learned more about him and we had a blast climbing the “rolling hills” of central Missouri.  Sunday I rode with a friend and her daughter who are moving to New Zealand this fall.  They are amazing people and I coveted the chance to ride with them for 80 miles.  It was a life-giving moment to chat with her 13 yo, who I could see myself in at that age.  We talked about all sorts of fun topics and I hope that over this weekend she was able to have life-giving moments with me as well.  I also had pockets of time to talk her mom as well.  We bonded over a mission trip to MX a couple years ago and she has a special place in my heart.  When I heard she was doing the bike ride, I was excited to spend vast amounts of time with her, for both her companionship and her wisdom.  With all those endorphins released and fresh air inhaled, I was in a good place to think, listen, and understand what God is possibly doing in my life with guidance from her.

I forgot to check my horoscope last week but I think it fits perfectly with what I learned this weekend:

As I gaze out the window of my home office, I see a vast wetland crossed by a creek that originates in the bay. At high tide, the creek is as wide as a river. At low tide, it’s as narrow as a village street. Sometimes it flows north vigorously, while at other times it surges south with equal force. Now and then it’s perfectly still. Its hues are a constantly mutating blend of grey, green, blue, and brown, and at sundown and sunrise they’re joined by tinges of pink, purple, and orange. As a Cancerian, I find this intimate spectacle to be both comforting and invigorating. It’s a reflection of my own ever-shifting moods, a reminder that I’m a watery creature whose fluidic changeability is natural and healthy. What I wish for you, my fellow Crab, is that in the coming week you will also surround yourself with prompts that help you to be at peace with who you really are.

Indeed!!

Last night I drank a Tusker, a South African lager that I downed by the bottle in Kenya.  Kenya was an amazing trip, I saw the real world, stirred life deep in my soul, and left me confused as to where my place was.  I have similar feelings of the summer relationship that just ended.  I saw what love could be, my soul shivered with excitement, and left me confused as to where I was to be in the whole matter.  Our fast connection, intense attraction, and a lot in common blinded both of us to the reality of the situation.  Throw in a little baggage from our pasts and you had the makings for a roller coaster ride that ended with a dreaded stop:  you don’t want to get off but you know you must so your neck (or heart) doesn’t hurt too bad the next day.

I bought the bottle of Tusker about a month ago.  I was in a liquor store picking up the essentials (specialty microbrew and PBR) when I saw it.  It’s not a typical beer sold around here and it being August and a 3 year anniversary of when I left Kenya, I decided to pick up a bottle.  But when I drank it last night, it was the symbolic closure to the relationship, just like the bottle of Tusker I brought home with me from Kenya and drank a month later to reflect  about what I had experienced.

Thank you Kenya for opening my heart to a greater reality.  Before you, I was hidden from myself and not exposed to others to learn grace, guilt, love, anger, passion, trust.  God placed me in Kenya in order for me to start living in reality, not a protected image I conjured up as a defense mechanism.  Thank you Christian bearded hippie for bringing my heart out once again to play.  I let the ghosts of my past have their final haunting, I dove into love and trust only to see you manipulate the situation for your own control issues past ghosts.  I’ve learned who I do and don’t want to be in a relationship, and I’ve learned who I do and don’t want sitting across from me at the table  every night.

It took me 2 years to recover from Kenya.  I had to deal with the past, learn who I was and how I wanted to live my life.  I think it has prepped me for future gut heart checks.  August was a tough month, but now that there is closure, I can sew up the holes left in my heart, reflect and learn, and be excited about what God has next for me.

I saw this the other day from Daily PepTalk from A best friend.  I think it is the best way to close this post.

Love

Love hurts.

Love waits.

Love overwhelms.

Love loves.

Love changes you.

Love wells up inside of you,

in the form of joy and tears.

Love is flowing yet

is forces you to make tough choices.

Any attempt to conform love to something it is not,

will cause nothing but distress.

You can not force it,

You can not avoid it,

You can not repress it.

Love is,

well,

Love.

Love stinks, yeah yeah (J. Geils Band).  Relationships are funny.  You tell your married friends “this guy is amazing, it’s all so easy and feels so right” and they say “that’s how I felt about ____________” (insert their partner).  A couple months later you say “it’s so hard, he thinks this and I pull away, I think that and he pulls away” and they say “yeah, that’s how it was in the beginning for us”.  Dang it.   Having too much in common means you have to temper it so it doesn’t overwhelm the both of you, being different means you don’t meet in the middle and have to compromise both your heart and mind in order to understand each other.  You work towards becoming “us”, but it’s foreign ground because these two people have never joined to be “us” before.  But you still have to maintain “you”.   You don’t give up “you”, you become a new “you” with an added dimension.

Love is complicated yet pure.

I am overwhelmed with it yet desire more.

Posted in revelations Tagged: love ]]> http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/2009/08/18/love/feed/ 0 mad scientist http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/2009/08/06/channeling-harvey-dent/ http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/2009/08/06/channeling-harvey-dent/#comments Thu, 06 Aug 2009 21:16:19 +0000 mad scientist http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/?p=225 ]]>

I’m feeling a bit discombobulated these days.  Let’s peel back the layers:

My job:  the life of a scientist is feast or famine.  You are either on a deadline or trying to fill your day.  Unfortunately the majority of my last 2 years in science (and hence why I got a new job) has been famine.  I’m beginning to think my best days are behind me.  And if I do have work, I spread it out so I can have something to do every day.  D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.N.G.  I’m also teaching myself to be lazy. sort of.  I could be reading a journal article to learn more about my area of interest but I blew off that idea months ago.

My house:  home improvement project of the spring is still not done.  There are pieces of furniture that I’m not hunting down at garage sales, pictures I’m not hanging, and now there are pieces to my bed frame sitting in my living room that I’m not sanding.  ARGH!

My exercise goal:  I signed up for the MS 150, a 150 mile bike ride over 2 days to raise money for multiple sclerosis.  I’ve ridden my bike twice this summer.  uh-oh.

My boyfriend:  The one bright spot in my life (and yes, we made up after our life-altering quarrel a couple weeks ago).  He is gone for a week hiking in UT and I missed him before he left.  With no cell phone coverage, I had to endure 4 days of no communication.  I don’t know how families in the military do it!  I’m counting the days ’til I see him again (3).   A friend came over for dinner and quizzed me about our relationship.  The words “I think he’s the one” came out of my mouth.  She is very happy and supportive of me and later in the night said “have you guys talked about marriage?”  Strangely enough, the idea doesn’t scare me and I don’t feel my throat closing up.  So when I came upon a wedding planning blog just now, I read it.  Yikes!  I think I need to make sure I’m not the only one walking down the aisle.

Where did the summer go?  1/2 of me is frustrated and repressed, the other 1/2 is happily going into unchartered territory.  I’m not the biggest fan of bipolarism either. . . . . . .

Here’s to the pendulum swing of human emotion,

From the darkest depth that I fear to tread,

To the unadulterated perfection found in love,

It is the scope that we must endure,

In order to experience the life God has planted before us.

There is always darkness and a period of waiting,

before the plant comes shooting blissfully out of the nurturing soil.

Without this incubation process,

We would still be seeds,

Ungerminated and wondering if we’ll ever get a chance,

To experience a life worth living, painful growth and all!

Posted in Philosophizin' ]]> http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/2009/07/24/growth/feed/ 1 mad scientist http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/2009/07/22/sins-of-my-past-muddling-my-future/ http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/2009/07/22/sins-of-my-past-muddling-my-future/#comments Wed, 22 Jul 2009 18:47:27 +0000 mad scientist http://muddledclarity.wordpress.com/?p=218 ]]>

It’s amazing how in human relationships things can spiral out of control when you aren’t paying attention and before you can take a breath, you are on the outside looking in.  My emotional life is in a state of turmoil at the moment and I’ve been on the verge of tears since yesterday.  In my previous post, I talked about being confused by who I was in my relationship with CBH.  It seems that in the past month, I have reverted back to my pre-Christian days of being highly critical, judmental, and standoffish.  The screwed up part is that I didn’t even see myself doing these things.  Back in the BC (before Christ) days, I wagered my self-esteem daily on who I was and how I could be better, namely over other people.  Since being a Christian, it’s been a slow road releasing myself of those negative views and immersing my soul in God’s love, letting Him do the rest.  I thought I had warred with my past demons and was on the way to bliss (as only a human can in today’s world) and happiness.  It seems in a moment of fear and vulnerablity, I took 2 huge steps backward and started treating CBH horribly.  I internally blamed him, trying to figure out why he was so sensitive all the time.  We had a blow up yesterday morning from the night before and I expressed my apologies for what he was angry about but then questioned him on the blow up because I didn’t think such a demonstration was needed.  Well, I got my ass handed to me!  He wrote me an email stating the way he felt I’d treated him.  I couldn’t even get defensive, it was ‘to the letter’ who I used to be and a person I thought I would never become again.  He was so angry that there were sentences of finality to our relationship.  I replied humbly, knowing I’d screwed up and took full blame for everything he stated.  I continued to think about the harmful actions I’d laid on him and was taken back to my own childhood where my critical parents pushed me to strive for perfection, remembering the pain I didn’t know how to feel back then.  I couldn’t believe I’d done that to someone else.  It was the vicious circle you see in abused kids becomes the abuser because they know no other way to react.

I’m sure I’ve treated various friends like this in the past, but because they are only friends, they could take a snide comment or two, knowing most of me was kind enough to keep my friendship.  But the intensity of my relationship with CBH meant an intensity of my intrinsic outpourings.  I was simply treating him the way my parents treated me when they were attempting to love me.  But blood runs thicker than water and CBH has no reason to stand by my side the way I have learned to accept my parents for who they are.

All this to say that I felt a sense of freedom that my inner turmoil had been named, yet fearful that I’d pushed CBH too far and there was no retreat left in him.  I feel a huge weight has been lifted, like I can breathe again without the sins of my past muddling my future.  A new weight has been added though, whether or not I can prove to CBH that I can be vulnerable to him, to show him I need him, and that my locked arm has fallen to my side.

Only time and my open heart will tell.