It’s been a whirlwind of activity in the past month. A trip to Nashville, moving my boyfriend into his first home (still feels weird to say that word “boyfriend”), 3 parties to celebrate my 30th birthday (one for each decade), 4th of July spent high in the mountains of CO, and leaving this Saturday for Maine for a trip in which I’m helping my friend move from Portland, ME to Portland, OR (stopping in Madison, WI where her boyfriend will take over the rest of the trip). I haven’t really had too much time for deep thinking, it seems I’m always racing from one place to another and playing catch-up afterwards. These amazing trips fell in my lap and I couldn’t say no to any of them. August is looking to be slow, I hope to be able to reflect on the past month while laying by the pool.
I have been alone for the past 13 years minus some blips on the radar and was pretty good at it. In the past year I came to terms with some of my demons and decided I could be in a relationship if one materialized. I’m still with CBH and after counseling a friend yesterday on whether or not a new male friend was worth the worry, I realized how far away those days seem even though we’ve only been together for 2 months. Things have progressed rather quickly and thankfully I did not sabotage myself in the neurotic haze I was in during the first month. That cloud has passed and I’m actually just living in the moment, enjoying my time with him while we try to set healthy guidelines on how we want our relationship to blossom. We are both dominant, smart people (he’s an engineer, I’m a scientist) and seeing as I have taken care of myself pretty well over the last decade, I’ve struggled between keeping my independent voice strong and wanting to be in a partnership. I’ve obviously taken cues from my mother because I intrinsically want to feed and nurture CBH whenever we are together. But a couple hours after I’d given of myself, I resented him for it. I worried that I was setting a pattern that isn’t conducive for my independent voice. Yet I want someone to take care of me for once. It’s like there are 2 little “me”s sitting on my shoulders in contrasting colored outfits, shouting into my ear what to do and think. It got pretty confusing. But I’ve realized that I need to figure out what I want the partnership “me” to be like, not independent “me” or what my mother taught me “me”. I’ll be gone for a week with my good friend who knows me too well so I think I’ll be able to formulate a dynamic that will be healthy for both “me”s.
My horoscope yesterday said that I should prepare a clean, well-lit place for the amazing gift I’m about to receive. I realize that every step I take further in this relationship is a step into unchartered waters and that I won’t know what the gift is until it lands in my lap. I find beauty and excitement to this, not nerves and worry. CBH is an amazing person and I want to go down this unknown road with him. I just need to clean out some more cobwebs in my heart and turn the light on.
UKnowWho Said:
on July 10, 2009 at 9:10 am
I was wondering when you were gonna blog about all the good stuff!! All in due time I guess. What you are going through in all the giddy happiness is totally normal- it’s such a balancing act! It’s hard to always reconcile your innermost needs with what is actually happening outside. You guys communicate so well, I’ve gotta say that’s huge. As you go along, all those cobwebs will float away and you’ll forget what is was like to have that angst…well, maybe not completely but it’ll be there to remind of balance. If only everyone was so lucky…so many people bounce from one relationship to the next without knowing themselves.
CBH knows you for YOU, just like your friends know the real you. A good thing!!!