3 weeks. Not a grand amount of time, nothing too special to write home about. But up to this point, 3 weeks was my longest attempt at a relationship since HS (and yes, I’m turning 30 in less than a month so that’s a lot of single days!) An integral relationship self-destructed at 3 weeks and I was left in a heap of my own insecurities, telling myself I was fine but in reality still in deep pain 6 months later. This far precedes the rule Sex and the City gave about getting over a guy: you mourn for half the time you were together. I should have been onward and upward 1.5 weeks later after Iowa guy right? The amazing thing was that everything came together that summer in a way only God can do and I felt His presence for the first time in my life. I don’t think I would have become a Christian if I wasn’t in such a state of deep turmoil. All my typical tricks hadn’t worked, I was at the depth of my own personal hell. I realize the beauty in this but it doesn’t mean I’m open to another 3-week meltdown.
So when the 3 week bell rang on the my relationship with the new guy, my mind went into a tizzy and could not be stopped. I continued to think about ways to it would self-destruct, how he’d realize this wasn’t what he wanted, holding my breath to get past the 3 week curse. My mom found out about my new “friend” and that created a stir in the family. I finally called her and she took the words out of my mouth: “you didn’t want to jinx it?” (I told my mom about the last relationship and it fell apart a week later)
However, things are really great with the new guy, CBH (see last post for reference). More amazing than I can ever imagine. He’s just so. . . there. . for. .me. . with.. . no. . guessing. . to. . .do. It’s weird. I have psyched myself out numerous times, not sure what I think about him until 1-2 hours into our time together, then I finally settle into the rhythm and really enjoy his company. Last night we were out on the town and got into a serious discussion about past relationships and because I had subconsciously been waiting for something to pin on him this week, he gave me ammo for my blossoming mushroom cloud of anxiety. I woke up this morning feeling like a train hit me, feeling emotionally vulnerable and grumpy. Which I do genuinely applaud myself for being present with my emotions and not shoving it aside while saying “I’m fine”.
My friend Tusker set me straight though. I hadn’t even realized what I had done by blowing his past out of proportion thanks to my own insecurities. I joke about my faith in horoscopes but damn if Rob wasn’t dead on:
“You may want to smash a painful emotion to bits, but you can’t blow it up with a nuclear bomb,” wrote Tsoknyi Rinpoche in his book Fearless Simplicity. What makes the situation even more poignant is that the painful emotion may be based on a wrong interpretation of experience. It may also be caused by some faulty conditioning that got imprinted on your sensitive psyche when you were a toddler. Having said that, Cancerian, I’m pleased to inform you that you currently have the power to significantly dissipate the intensity of a certain painful emotion you thought you’d never shake. To initiate the process, invoke forgiveness in every way you can imagine — toward those who hurt you, those who ignored you, those who misled you, and you yourself.
My mistrust in men can take many forms and I don’t need a vivid imagination to place something into that category. I have stated before that even though I have gone through healing of my past, I knew there would be things that couldn’t be healed until I was facing them in a relationship. I felt this is the first of many lessons of this kind. Tusker let me know that I was blowing it all out of proportion and I had looking for something to pin on him all week. The beautiful thing is that he told me the truth and stated how he wanted life to be with me. now. in the present. not the past. his past. my past.
It’s taken me about 24 hours, but I’m better. It’s past 3 weeks, he is still in my life and not planning on leaving anytime soon, I am reconciling my past with my present, and working to be present to everything God is giving me.
saishia Said:
on June 9, 2009 at 2:55 am
Memories of beautiful moments spent in the past, will linger, as long as YOU let the memories, sweep you in its currents….so everytime they come in…..just observe them come..stir the emotions..,,.and then go……its not a cinch…but certainly not impossible as well…the key is to understand, we seek to heal all the frightened areas in our personality through relationships….and thats where we go wrong…all the joy that we seek externally, are all well beyond measure, present within us…just that our mind doesnt let us recognise it.