I have really intense thoughts flying through my head and I looked at my May 7 post and had to laugh. If anyone is going to sabotage me having a great life, it is definitely me! In the past 2 1/2 weeks I’ve been dating someone who is so far amazing and what I dreamt my ideal guy would be. He is Christian, bearded, and hippie–or as my friends have called my dream guy over the past year, CBH. He contacted me on eharmony as I finish up my time there and frankly was slightly annoyed with the guys I had met. I knew I had learned some things about myself from being on there was frustrated with my three 1st dates and no 2nd dates. He is upfront, outgoing, smart, loves God, the outdoors, his family, and his dog. There’s not much more I can ask for! It’s been simple, honest, and comfortable yet exciting. We were seeing each other every couple of days and that didn’t give me time to sabotage. But when he went to his hometown for the holiday, it will have been 6 days before I see him again (tonight). That was plenty of time for my old distrusting habits to come back full force. My brain went into self-destruct mode as I tried to find things wrong with him, make up characteristics that I’ve had in bad boyfriends before, worry about my freedom, question whether I like him or “the idea” of him. 1/2 of me is very excited and tells my friends when they ask what is going on with me, the other 1/2 wonders how much longer it will last and kicks myself for telling people.
The culmination was last night when we had a disjointed conversation thanks to bad cell phone reception. We talked later and made plans for today but my old brain had too much time to stew and I went to the gym frustrated, already wanting freedom and trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with him in order for me not to like him anymore. To wind down from running, I played Glen Hansard’s “Falling Slowly” and the lyrics struck me to stop what I was doing:
You have suffered enough
You’ve warred with yourself
It’s time you’ve won.
Ahem–why are you reverting back to the old fear tactics that didn’t work then and will ruin what you have now? I had to take a quick backlog of what misery, pain, and redemption I have endured these past 3 years in order to be in a place where I supposedly can openly love and trust someone. It has been an easy road loving those already in my life, already in their roles that haven’t changed. I struggled opening up w/ the short-term roommate (a new role for her in my life) and now this new person in my life has sending all my self-affirming mantras to a halt.
So I am calming the inner noise, learning to keep my fear in check and not allow it to make decisions for me, and taking it one step at a time. As I traverse in new territory, I am armed with personal growth that has allowed me to want no-strings-attached love, a growing trust for myself to make the right decisions in matters of love, and trusting God that He has placed a CBH in my midst for a reason. I must go passionately down this trail with confidence and love, not timid steps and fearful movements. And it’s time I won.
