Confusion. Frustration. Anger. Exhausted. Territorial.
These are the thoughts I continue to have in my head. My brother married a girl that is the complete opposite of our family. My family is unemotional, quiet, reserved. She is fiery, expressive, emotional. My family thinks we can get along like we always have. She thinks our family needs to change. Things came to a blow with the females in the family. The guys bowed out, claiming silence as their opinion. Even the husband, which is my brother. You support her, let’s hear your side!
So she has chosen to “attack” or “address” (depends which side you are on) both my mother and me. We took our blows and tried to smooth things over, because that’s what people do (right?) Things hit the high point when I was in Africa and things were said about me and a friend of mine by the sister-in-law and brother. I came home bewildered from the experience “that is Africa” and not prepared to defend my honor. They wanted to talk to me one weekend in August and it turned into a “she said, he said” and my mom intervened. The result of the discussion was that neither of us was in a place to talk to each other so we shouldn’t, in any form of communication. FINE, we both agreed. I didn’t talk to my brother or sister until Christmas, 4 months. It was a painful time, I mourned the loss yet loathed both of them. How dare she take my brother away from me? How dare he take her side versus mine? About early December, I finally released my anger (Jesus’ beatitudes on the mount were a huge help) about them and went about getting them Christmas presents as A. a show of my forgiveness of our past wrongs and B. that I could overlook the past and embrace our present/future together.
It was in March that the sister-in-law and I finally accepted each other for who we were, not who we wanted the other to be. We slowly built on this belief, my brother silent in the whole conversation. WHERE WAS HE? Why couldn’t he contact me? This was really frustrating, yet, I knew he struggled at expressing himself so I didn’t push him. The whole entire time SIL and I were communicating, I was holding back and not telling anyone what was going on. Not my mom, not co-workers, not friends. Some friends who used to be involved in the struggle took it personally and thought I was hiding something from them. My question is this: at what point do we grow up and express our emotions and not wait 6 months until the wound has festered and grown? That friendship has since ended by my doing, I couldn’t see a healthy future from our stagnant present.
The relationship with my brother and SIL continued growing at a healthy pace and even included a trip to a music festival. Oh, 4 days together, what would happen? Well, nothing, we had a blast!
But something occurred in October. SIL found wrong with my mother and let her know, through email and then in a phone conversation. I was taken aback. Everything was going soooo good. Yes, my family has inadequacies, but we showed our love to each other in our own ways, why attack the mothership?? SIL wanted my support, I couldn’t give it. My mother was beside herself upset. I ached for her, I HATE seeing my mom so sad. She’s done everything in her power to support and help them, why can’t they see that versus what they want to see from her.
It’s been about a month since the last hoe-down showdown and they continue to use my mom for babysitting purposes. They are mad at her but I guess not too mad that they don’t want their child around her. She gives up 2 days/week to take care of her grandchild, no questions asked.
Thanksgiving was last weekend, they didn’t come. I didn’t want them there. Mother would have been too stressed out by their presence. But where do I fit in? How do I communicate with both? Can I stay neutral? SIL wanted my support and I couldn’t give it, thus putting a splinter in our blossoming relationship. But how does she expect me to support an attack against my mother? and why does not agreeing with her become a reason for her not to trust me. I’m the opposite of a “yes-man”. I’m going to tell you what I think, regardless of the outcome.
To me, that is a true friend.
And the dichotomy continues, wait for further update this Christmas. They say they are going to come to my parents’ house. Oh Lord, grant us peace to be with those that frustrate us and grant us the mercy to accept and love them.
