Painful Growth, Part 20

{ November 5, 2009 @ 3:24 pm } · { revelations }
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“I’m a load of destitute headed on a road to nowhere“

I used to read this blogger who then compiled a book about the blog who then quit blogging.  He was a top chef in a fancy restaurant and wasn’t happy.  He started volunteering at a soup kitchen and ended up quitting his job and working at the soup kitchen full time.  His pen name is rhymes with kerouac.  He wrote beautifully and from his heart.  In a time of madness in my own life, he provided words to what I couldn’t quite put my finger on.  He wrote the quote above that struck me cold.  It was in response to someone asking him about christianity.  RWK didn’t have the answers despite being a Christian (against popular belief that we think we know everything) and was okay letting those around him know this.  The rest of the quote was him talking pretty about Jesus and inviting them to talk to Jesus.  I love that he was able to release himself from the concept that he knew about Jesus and therefore life became simpler.  It doesn’t, it gets harder because your lens of the world suddenly has a depth you will never be equipped to fully see with.

 

I’m feeling really overwhelmed by life, in all corners and every direction, but this quote gives me a moment of solace, which is more than anything else has given me.  I feel stranded, out of control, and alone.  And I think this is the place where God will move me the most.  I think I can find solace in that, but it’s tough when you are fighting back the tears and sadness that obligingly come with this part of life.

My open letter to Donald Miller

{ October 29, 2009 @ 2:29 am } · { religion, revelations }
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Dear Donald Miller,

First off, I have to say that I never write to famous people.  I go to book readings and don’t wait in line for the autograph, I know I should write my congresswoman but it’s just so easy to hit ’send’ on those generic websites we get these days.  Now I will admit I did attend Imago Dei one time in PDX and maybe I hoped to catch you in the crowd, but it was Sunday and I was in PDX, where else was I supposed to go?

I first found you at Borders bookstore.  I was living in Ames, IA and every once in awhile, I’d spend my Saturday morning embracing the world of books at my fingertips.  I had a ritual—I’d go to the coffee shop, get a latte, grab the weekly circular and sit down to relax.  I should preface this with a simple statement:  I didn’t believe in God.  I knew there was something that made this world tick, but I wasn’t going to align myself with any religion and especially not those Christian nuts that I found myself cursing throughout the years.  In times of questioning, I had checked churches out but always left weirded out by the experience, I just wasn’t one of those people.  So there I sat in Borders, latte in hand when I saw the word “jazz”.  I was a jazz fan by this time, thanks to my brothers (also thank them for my love of microbrews and riding bicycles, all good things).  “Blue Like Jazz”. .fiction.. hmmm, I’m interested. . .”nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality “. . hey wait a minute, that kind of thinking is allowed?  I’d never read a Christian book, never really opened a bible, never entered a religion section of a book store except to buy a book on the tao of inner peace (and who hasn’t?)

So I walked over and found your book and amazingly, the store didn’t catch on fire (a small miracle, more to come, keep reading).  I flipped through, hoping I wouldn’t like it.  Sadly, there were funny cartoons of a rabbit chasing a carrot and every time I stopped to read a paragraph, I found myself saying “yes, exactly”.  I resigned myself to the fact that I was buying a Christian book and found it weird that in 3 weeks I would be in Oregon in vacation.

So there I was, walking around Cape Mears on the coast of OR.  I was with 2 Christians, my close friend and my brother.  I was reading your book, intrigued with every page about the ability to be a Christian and still have a brain, asking my traveling partners questions at every turn.  At one point, I found myself alone and walking through a wooded enclave.  All the sudden, the world hushed and it felt as if the pine trees were cooing me in the wind.  I automatically felt like Lucy in “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” when she enters Narnia the first time, I felt this Presence.  It was undeniable and everything I hoped feeling God would be like.  There are a few times in my past where I cried out to Him in the dark, asking Him to talk to me in my moments of selfish, needy pain, only to hear silence or the neighbor’s barking dog.  But I felt this everywhere:  my soul, my brain, I felt His hand on my shoulder saying “I love you and I’ve been waiting for this moment”.  I walked out of the woods and to the edge of the cliff.  My friend and brother were off to the left, I stood by myself and staring through the tears in my eyes at the crashing waves below awed by the experience.

Fast forward 6 years and you’ll find me writing you in the early morning hours.  I haven’t felt so transformed by a book until now.  My friends and I are reading your latest book “A Thousand Miles in a Million Years” and can I tell you we are transfixed by your words.  Personally I feel like you are writing from my soul.  “Inciting incident” plays over and over in my mind.  We find the main character (me) stuck in a rut that she thought was the way her life was supposed to go.  Decent job that doesn’t sap the life out of her (but doesn’t make her want to get out of bed either), great family and friends, amazing church life, just waiting for Mr. Right to sweep her off her feet.  She has the desire to adapt to him because she is eager for a change and thinks her strong personality is a thing of the past.  But God has a different plan for her.  Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. I’m Showing You What You Really Don’t Want and the break-up becomes her inciting incident.  She is without a paddle going the wrong way.  She soul searches deeper than ever before, opening her heart and mind to anything and everything, feeling God’s presence everywhere she turns and knows this is the blessing of change, however painful and scary it feels.

We haven’t reached the climax yet, there are chapters yet to be written. We are still working on formulation of the character and trying to get the story line straight,  but knowing that she’s going to climb her own Machu Picchu in order to celebrate the beauty of the city.  But she has learned that the 4 day hike is worth a few bumps in the road (vs. the air-conditioned bus ride to the top) and she is blessed to have her community and faith deeply connected and ready at every hesitation and misstep taken.  And a great book or two to keep her inspired along the way. (fyi, I haven’t read Part 4 yet, I’m waiting to read it with the group).

Thank you Donald for the ability to speak beauty into the hardship, life into the pain, and hope into the journey.  May we all desire a great story and seek the hardship for the beauty within.

 

Peace,

Hopeful in the midst of the blizzard

 

ps, I’m sad your book tour isn’t stopping in KC. If you did, we could ride bikes, drink beer and talk about dogs and God. And our love for PDX.

 

 

Looking up

{ October 22, 2009 @ 3:09 pm } · { Philosophizin' }
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I had an epiphany this morning while driving to work.  I was mulling over the past year and thinking about the things that I want to change in my future.  What I realized is that in hindsight of the past 6 months, what I thought I wanted in life was in fact not the path that I should be on.  Maybe I had set lower standards for myself in order to reach the goals, maybe I didn’t take enough time to look farther ahead or at the bigger picture to what my reality should be versus what it could easily be.   Or maybe the goals themselves were wrong and not great enough for who I am supposed to be in life.

I’m reading this book by Parker Palmer titled “Let Your Life Speak:  Listening for the Voice of Vocation” and realizing how often we walk down the road of life with our scope trained on the path directly in front of us and not for the hills, turns, and exit ramps ahead of us (or even the beautiful landscape we are passing!)  Along with the tunnel vision is tunnel hearing, listening to everyone around us and nodding, instead of shutting out the noise and listening to what our soul is telling us to do.

I should preface all my waxing of wisdom to say that last week was a really bad week.  I was tired of wondering, waiting, hurting, anxiety, fear, all those nasty emotions that make you want to drink too much, watch too much tv, or other escapism activity.  But a weekend away in the woods and a fresh outlook on life helped me to see that the growth hurts, waiting is hard, and patience is a virtue.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m not going to inhibit myself anymore by staring at my feet and worrying about the tiny pebble tripping me up when I’ve got boulders to climb.

Oh yeah, and never say “never”!

Time to take a look at your own yard

{ October 10, 2009 @ 4:50 pm } · { Life }
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You know the saying “the grass is always greener on the other side”?  I heard the second part  a couple years ago:  because you are too busy staring at that yard to take care of your own.  I believe that and it seems every time I slip into looking longingly at the other yard, God seems to be showing me the reality of the work involved for that yard to remind me of what I have in my yard is enough for me to take care of right now.

I’m in the midst of a serious growth phase in my life.  Clinging to God, looking for Him everyday, cherishing the lessons I’ve learned in the past month.  Reanalyzing everything I thought was true and realizing the divide between my reality and His reality.  As much as I’ve been reveling in these realizations, I still have those days where I feel un-everything-that-is-good and wish something would work out in my favor and wouldn’t it be nice if I had someone to go home to and thus life would be easier?  It is usually in those places, a friend is placed in my midst telling me the stress they are going through in their marriage.  Even the couples that seem to have everything together, there are those deep, dark, dirty parts of life that tempt even the strongest of bonds. . .and sometimes the bonds do break.  And as a single person, I am left thinking “shit, even that marriage can fail, that is scary”.

I think this balance of haves and have-nots is just part of living in the present.  If we were always happy, we would forget to appreciate it and find fault with the beauty.  When we find ourselves unhappy or frustrated, it makes us take a hard look at our lives to figure out where that source of unhappiness is coming from and what can we do about it, or the quick and dirty truth: growth.  Think back to an unfortunate time in your life and you can see the change and growth you experienced in the aftermath.  How blessed you are to go through that period in order to be who you are today.  If you hadn’t experienced that, then what?  Who would you be?  Could you handle the next trauma that comes along as well as you did if you hadn’t had that life lesson?

Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t supposed to be.  Humans aren’t perfect so there’s no need desiring such a thing.  But we can take what has been placed in our lives and run with it the best we can.  And why not?  What’s the alternative?  Falling deeper into what masks our pain and staying in denial only to find ourselves still in that stage a year later and still in pain?

It’s time to take off the blinders, turn your back on your neighbor’s seemingly green grass and take care of business.  Whether it means reaching out to others to find the community and love you are desiring, retreating within to find who you really are, or changing your life in order to honor the gifts God gave you.

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