Creating the relationship “me”

{ July 9, 2009 @ 12:27 pm } · { awesomeness }
{ Tags: , , } · { Comments (1) }

It’s been a whirlwind of activity in the past month.  A trip to Nashville, moving my boyfriend into his first home (still feels weird to say that word “boyfriend”), 3 parties to celebrate my 30th birthday (one for each decade), 4th of July spent high in the mountains of CO, and leaving this Saturday for Maine for a trip in which  I’m helping my friend move from Portland, ME to Portland, OR (stopping in Madison, WI where her boyfriend will take over the rest of the trip).   I haven’t really had too much time for deep thinking, it seems I’m always racing from one place to another and playing catch-up afterwards.  These amazing trips fell in my lap and I couldn’t say no to any of them.  August is looking to be slow, I hope to be able to reflect on the past month while laying by the pool.

I have been alone for the past 13 years minus some blips on the radar and was pretty good at it.  In the past year I came to terms with some of my demons and decided I could be in a relationship if one materialized.  I’m still with CBH and after counseling a friend yesterday on whether or not a new male friend was worth the worry, I realized how far away those days seem even though we’ve only been together for 2 months.  Things have progressed rather quickly and thankfully I did not sabotage myself in the neurotic haze I was in during the first month.  That cloud has passed and I’m actually just living in the moment, enjoying my time with him while we try to set healthy guidelines on how we want our relationship to blossom.  We are both dominant, smart people (he’s an engineer, I’m a scientist) and seeing as I have taken care of myself pretty well over the last decade, I’ve struggled between keeping my independent voice strong and wanting to be in a partnership.  I’ve obviously taken cues from my mother because I intrinsically want to feed and nurture CBH whenever we are together.   But a couple hours after I’d given of myself, I resented him for it.  I worried that I was setting a pattern that isn’t conducive for my independent voice.  Yet I want someone to take care of me for once.  It’s like there are 2 little “me”s sitting on my shoulders in contrasting colored outfits, shouting into my ear what to do and think.  It got pretty confusing.  But I’ve realized that I need to figure out what I want the partnership “me” to be like, not independent “me” or what my mother taught me “me”.  I’ll be gone for a week with my good friend who knows me too well so I think I’ll be able to formulate a dynamic that will be healthy for both “me”s.

My horoscope yesterday said that I should prepare a clean, well-lit place for the amazing gift I’m about to receive.  I realize that every step I take further in this relationship is a step into unchartered waters and that I won’t know what the gift is until it lands in my lap.  I find beauty and excitement to this, not nerves and worry.  CBH is an amazing person and I want to go down this unknown road with him.  I just need to clean out some more cobwebs in my heart and turn the light on.

Beauty wounds

{ June 9, 2009 @ 1:46 am } · { Life }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Beauty wounds.

The deeper you seek it,

the more there is at risk.

and the more you realize its worth.

3 weeks.

{ June 5, 2009 @ 12:27 am } · { Categorically uncatergorized, revelations }
{ Tags: , , } · { Comments (1) }

3 weeks.  Not a grand amount of time, nothing too special to write home about.  But up to this point, 3 weeks was my longest attempt at a relationship since HS (and yes, I’m turning 30 in less than a month so that’s a lot of single days!)  An integral relationship self-destructed at  3 weeks and I was left in a heap of my own insecurities, telling myself I was fine but in reality still in deep pain 6 months later.  This far precedes the rule Sex and the City gave about getting over a guy:  you mourn for half the time you were together.  I should have been onward and upward 1.5 weeks later after Iowa guy right?  The amazing thing was that everything came together that summer in a way only God can do and I felt His presence for the first time in my life.  I don’t think I would have become a Christian if I wasn’t in such a state of deep turmoil.   All my typical tricks hadn’t worked, I was at the depth of my own personal hell.  I realize the beauty in this but it doesn’t mean I’m open to another 3-week meltdown.

So when the 3 week bell rang on the my relationship with the new guy, my mind went into a tizzy and could not be stopped.  I continued to think about ways to it would self-destruct,  how he’d realize this wasn’t what he wanted, holding my breath to get past the 3 week curse.  My mom found out about my new “friend” and that created a stir in the family.  I finally called her and she took the words out of my mouth: “you didn’t want to jinx it?” (I told my mom about the last relationship and it fell apart a week later)

However, things are really great with the new guy, CBH (see last post for reference).  More amazing than I can ever imagine.  He’s just so. . . there. . for. .me. . with.. . no. . guessing. . to. . .do.  It’s weird.  I have psyched myself out numerous times, not sure what I think about him until 1-2 hours into our time together, then I finally settle into the rhythm and really enjoy his company.  Last night we were out on the town and got into a serious discussion about past relationships and because I had subconsciously been waiting for something to pin on him this week, he gave me ammo for my blossoming mushroom cloud of anxiety.  I woke up this morning feeling like a train hit me, feeling emotionally vulnerable and grumpy.  Which I do genuinely applaud myself for being present with my emotions and not shoving it aside while saying “I’m fine”.

My friend Tusker set me straight though.  I hadn’t even realized what I had done by blowing his past out of proportion thanks to my own insecurities.  I joke about my faith in horoscopes but damn if Rob wasn’t dead on:

“You may want to smash a painful emotion to bits, but you can’t blow it up with a nuclear bomb,” wrote Tsoknyi Rinpoche in his book Fearless Simplicity. What makes the situation even more poignant is that the painful emotion may be based on a wrong interpretation of experience. It may also be caused by some faulty conditioning that got imprinted on your sensitive psyche when you were a toddler. Having said that, Cancerian, I’m pleased to inform you that you currently have the power to significantly dissipate the intensity of a certain painful emotion you thought you’d never shake. To initiate the process, invoke forgiveness in every way you can imagine — toward those who hurt you, those who ignored you, those who misled you, and you yourself.
My mistrust in men can take many forms and I don’t need a vivid imagination to place something into that category.  I have stated before that even though I have gone through healing of my past, I knew there would be things that couldn’t be healed until I was facing them in a relationship.  I felt this is the first of many lessons of this kind.  Tusker let me know that I was blowing it all out of proportion and I had looking for something to pin on him all week.  The beautiful thing is that he told me the truth and stated how he wanted life to be with me. now. in the present. not the past. his past. my past.

It’s taken me about 24 hours, but I’m better.  It’s past 3 weeks, he is still in my life and not planning on leaving anytime soon, I am reconciling my past with my present, and working to be present to everything God is giving me.

“It’s time you won”

{ May 26, 2009 @ 2:18 pm } · { Philosophizin', Singleness }
{ Tags: , , , , } · { Leave a Comment }

I have really intense thoughts flying through my head and I looked at my May 7 post and had to laugh.  If anyone is going to sabotage me having a great life, it is definitely me!  In the past 2 1/2 weeks I’ve been dating someone who is so far amazing and what I dreamt my ideal guy would be.  He is Christian, bearded, and hippie–or as my friends have called my dream guy over the past year, CBH.  He contacted me on eharmony as I finish up my time there and frankly was slightly annoyed with the guys I had met.  I knew I had learned some things about myself from being on there was frustrated with my three 1st dates and no 2nd dates.  He is upfront, outgoing, smart, loves God, the outdoors, his family, and his dog.  There’s not much more I can ask for!  It’s been simple, honest, and comfortable yet exciting.   We were seeing each other every couple of days and that didn’t give me time to sabotage.  But when he went to his hometown for the holiday, it will have been 6 days before I see him again (tonight).  That was plenty of time for my old distrusting habits to come back full force.  My brain went into self-destruct mode as I tried to find things wrong with him, make up characteristics that I’ve had in bad boyfriends before, worry about my freedom, question whether I like him or “the idea” of him.  1/2 of me is very excited and tells my friends when they ask what is going on with me, the other 1/2 wonders how much longer it will last and kicks myself for telling people.

The culmination was last night when we had a disjointed conversation thanks to bad cell phone reception.  We talked later and made plans for today but my old brain had too much time to stew and I went to the gym frustrated, already wanting freedom and trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with him in order for me not to like him anymore.  To wind down from running, I played Glen Hansard’s “Falling Slowly” and the lyrics struck me to stop what I was doing:

You have suffered enough

You’ve warred with yourself

It’s time you’ve won.

Ahem–why are you reverting back to the old fear tactics that didn’t work then and will ruin what you have now?  I had to take a quick backlog of what misery, pain, and redemption I have endured these past 3 years in order to be in a place where I supposedly can openly love and trust someone.  It has been an easy road loving those already in my life, already in their roles that haven’t changed.  I struggled opening up w/ the short-term roommate (a new role for her in my life) and now this new person in my life has sending all my self-affirming mantras to a halt.

So I am calming the inner noise, learning to keep my fear in check and not allow it to make decisions for me, and taking it one step at a time.   As I traverse in new territory, I am armed with personal growth that has allowed me to want no-strings-attached love, a growing trust for myself to make the right decisions in matters of love,  and trusting God that He has placed a CBH in my midst for a reason.  I must go passionately down this trail with confidence and love, not timid steps and fearful movements.  And it’s time I won.

« Older entries